My days of depression ( or can I call it self pity )

This time I ve chosen to write about the topic , which I ve always found hard to digest. Its about the days of my life , when my luck had ran out .

My blog was initially called " The Second Chapter of my Life " , since I started my blog with posts about my engineering days ie from 2001 which have brought loads of happiness to me. I have never mentioned anything about the days prior to 2001 , except one instance where I talk about U2.

This weekend is also very special to me . I found a new inspirational book , at one of the road side book vendors @ Domlur signal , while I was coming back from workplace. The book is " Its not about the Bike , My journey back to Life " by Lance Armstrong.

This book inspired me to bring about a post about my hard to digest days ( I hope I ve passed them ). Thank you Lance.


As I am writing this blog, I am also doing another activity in parallel. I am watching one of my all time favorite vidoes of all time " Over and Over again ". I somehow found a valid reason to download this video, this very day. There are many reasons associated with it. The prime being , It is the middle of the month , and I ve still 700 MB of download available (via ISP) . My brother told me to use this 700 MB somehow by the end of the month ( Value for Money u see !! ). Instantly I downloaded this video.

Oops , I ve not mentioned about the video.

Its from the Motion Picture SoundTrack of Terminator 2 . You guessed it right.

Its " You Could be Mine " by Guns 'N' Roses. Not only I love the song and the video there are also other things which I love. I have been a huge fan of Guns 'N' Roses, also Arnold , his moves , his walk , the way he carries the " Sawed Off Shot Gun " ( From my knowledge of past Computer Games like HITMAN , DELTA FORCE , MAX PAYNE ) , its just awesome.

I love both T2 and T3. Above all every person who has ever hit the GYM , looks @ Arnold as his idol ( I too do) . I assume all the GYM S' across Bangalore have atleast one Arnold poster.
ie Arnold at his peak

Also I am a huge fan of AXL Rose .

So with a good inspirational book , coupled with an awesome all time favorite video on board, I prepare to give a light highlight into the years of 1999 , 00 , 2001 .

It was during my PU days , there was altogether change in my personality , my attitude. All of a sudden my enthu was no where to be found. I felt as though I had lost my way.

I continued with life but I had lost all my confidence , there was no one to pump me up, no U2 tracks too. I was all by myself. The clock was ticking.

Two years into PU ...

It was now 2001, when I completed my PU exams and CET. I had a horrible result. My academic graph had taken a complete " U Turn ". With the CET rank I got , My hope of getting admission into an engineering college had almost ended.

The months of May , June of 2001 were the toughest time of my life. There are loads of opportunities other than engineering , loads of fields other than software. But the feeling of not getting a BE degree when all your counterparts get a BE degree , is totally unimaginable. And also choosing something else than software ?? , well I dint want to do that though..

My days were totally dark. Once an enthu guy I was , now was a sober gentleman. Though I never cried all during these days I was always locked up in my room, I spent most of my time sleeping (after my PU and CET results) , I used to sleep 16 hrs a day ( Can u imagine that ?? ) . I dont know why ??

My parents were on the verge of taking me to a "Pschychiatrist " or can I say they even to this day , they are , to know why ??? , to know whether I was in depression.

I too dont know the answer to this.

I hated meeting any people other than my own family members ,as where ever I went , people would always ask me

" Why my performance was so dismal .??" ,
" What was in store for the future ??" ,
" Are u still thinking of joining an engineering college ?"
" Which engineering colleges you were thinking of "
" Why dont you join a BSc course and quit when you get admitted into an engineering college ??"
" Why dont you appear for the exams one more time , the next year??"
" Why dont you join CIVIL Engineering??"
" Start making a note of engineering colleges in neighboring cities/towns".

I had no answer , I had begun to hate myself, hence I avoided literally everyone , anyone and everything.

Thank God I got admitted into a engineering college, that too close to my house , I had something to cheer for. Atleast I would be awarded the same degree as my contemporaries.

To this date this is a deep scar. Even today I ve no interest to attend any weddings , nor go to any movies. I do watch movies but only @ my place itself when someone lends his DVD or my brother gets one . Else I watch them only on " Star TV , Zee and Sony".

A lot of people ask me why dont I freak out ?, why dont I go out to Forum or join any of my friends who are going to Forum , Corner House or Tamarind or Angeethi.

My answer is I ve no interest to enter the city on weekends. I do freak out in my own ways , as written in my previous blogs. I prefer to spend my time at home , amidst nature , and all alone

The habit of locking myself up during my bad days , has taught me one golden rule. To spend time with myself all alone. I enjoy doing that the most.

I even plan to start meditating someday atleast for 15- 20 mins once in a weekend.

I do love to take time out to think , rethink , as to what should I do , what makes me happy and this move has made me really very very happy . Now I know what my goals are , the purpose of my existance , my distant dreams .

Though my dismal performance @ PU continues to be a permanent scar. I ve learnt to live with it.

Failure is the stepping stone to success.

Well its absolutely true , I ve learnt a lot after a failure.


My journey in this software industry has been awesome , and I ve been thoroughly supported by my GURUS' from my first organization Sobha Renaissace IT.

They are Chandrashekar SK , NP Prashanth , Nishad CP , Rajesh Seth and few others. I am thinking of coming up with a post dedicated to my gurus.. I sure will do that.

Well as far I am concerned , I continue to enjoy life , I thank god for that.

" I am proud to say I have made a comeback in a strong way , proving a strong point , silencing my critics ( Cant metion who ??). I hope to still grow as a more intellectual person . I hope God gives me strength. "

One thing which I really hate is to come out into the city during weekends.

I wont do that unless its necessary to the Core...

I end this post by thanking all my GURUS (Seniors) who amidst their busy routine , have taken time out , to sit next to me (when I was a fresher) , to teach me , help me debug , write better code , understand and feel OOPS and above all helped me to become a better individual

Thank you guys. I hope one day will surely come when I will be proud to work for your team..